Who The Fuck Are You?
Yeah, A Lot Of People Ask That Question When I Talk About Racism
I don’t really care that folks don’t know who I am, but I feel like if I am going to keep writing for this magazine, it’s time I show my qualifications when it comes to why I keep harping on race and ethnicity issues.
I am Devon J Hall The Loud Mouth Brown Girl. I got the name eight years ago when I realized that I’d been getting raped for decades, by the same men, while simultaneously on an airplane from Winnipeg to Vancouver.
I was arrested that day, and because I was in a psychotic state and screaming, the white, bald, racist, cop called me a “Loud Mouth Brown Bitch.”
I told him then what I am telling you now, “I will take that and make it the most famous mental health brand in the world because fuck you.” I said this as he kicked and hit me, trying to make an example of a scared, escalated woman.
I asked for a lawyer, who told me to tell the truth, and I did that, they released me a few hours later after forcing me to go to the hospital, where the doctor diagnosed it as a severe panic attack “Due to PSTD.”
Shortly after that, I started seeing a counsellor I found on Google. Turns out his name “Felt” familiar, because he was there the night I’d been gangraped for the last time in twenty-seventeen.
I recognized him, but it would take me three months to figure out why. Three months of him taking my money, three months of sharing my darkest secrets, only for him to show me who he was when I realized why I knew him.
He shoved me, and I had another massive panic attack, this time I would be hospitalized over night. The following day they released me and I immediately went home to write down everything and every detail I remembered.
I filled six journals with my memories. A few days after I finished writing them, the cops showed up at my house for a “Wellness check,” and confiscated the journals based on what I told them about the counselor.
Eight years later they gave me the journals back and told me there was no basis to my claims.
I am still fighting for justice. I am still fighting to clear my name, I am still fighting to change the laws and rules when it comes to child abuse. I don’t know when and I don’t know how, but one day I am going to speak to the United Nations about child abuse in Canada.
One day I am going to share my voice with the world and then on that day I can rest, but until then, I am The Loud Mouth Brown Girl, sharing my thoughts on mental health, healing, trauma, abuse, and what happens when kids don’t get the protection they need.
Many people think I should sit down and shut the fuck up, but if I do, then those same people will say “Where is Devon’s voice?” if I do sit down and shut the fuck up those same people will say “Why didn’t they say something?”
Those same people who want me to shut up, will find a way to blame folks like me when it happens again. I can honestly say every single one of my abusers except for five, were white men.
All of them were white men or boys, except for five, who were either female or people of colour. I can identify every single one of them if not by name then by face, and even that isn’t enough to prove I was raped by over eighty men.
I’m not even remotely, exaggerating.
And the worst part is that unlike any of the women who came forward during the #MeToo movement, I wasn’t embraced and told “We believe you,” I was told “You sound psychotic,” and put on pills that I quote “Will help with my thoughts.”
They don’t stop the memories. They don’t stop the shame, the guilt, the fear, anxiety, or the PTSD of it all from cycling up every time a man does something untoward.
A few weeks ago my neighbor threatened my life just because he THOUGHT I did something someone else actually did, and because of that I haven’t slept in weeks. I barely eat the way I am supposed to and when I do eat, I am binge eating instead of just eating regular meals.
Men are a huge trigger for me, and they’ve made it impossible for me to feel safe in this world. White men in particular, have made it incredibly difficult for me to navigate this world because they don’t fucking want me to feel safe.
Too many white men have promised me safety only to turn around and become the enemy I told them I was afraid of to begin with.
So please stop telling me in the comments that it’s not all white men and that it’s not all white people because in my life that’s precisely who it is.
I can’t change the colour of my skin, but you can change whether or not you’re going to be an actual ally, versus someone who just wants attention for doing the right thing.
I don’t need you in my audience, there are plenty of people who want to learn from me, who love my work, who hate my work, and who cherish the fact that I consider them at all in my writing. I don’t NEED you, I fucking want you here.
I want to learn from you, regardless of race, creed, nationality, size, orientation or economic status, and I want to teach you what I know. We can work as a team and build something great together, or you can try to burn my house down because you don’t like how I reacted to the way that other people tried to kill me.
Those are your options friend, choose accordingly.
Sending all my love,
Devon J Hall, The Original Loud Mouth Brown Girl
